Daly Focus Blog
I encourage couples to think of their marriage as a business. I know that sounds rather sterile, but it’s more romantic than you think.
Successful businesses don’t leave success to chance. They set goals and execute plans to move forward and create results. In the same way, you can be purposeful about moving your relationship in the right direction and building a strong marriage. Values like commitment, sacrifice, and unconditional love are practical ideas that can transform a marriage.
Did you get married to do laundry? To pay bills? To cook dinner or wash the dishes? No one does.
And yet, for many couples, that’s all there is. Their relationship is practical and business-like. At some point the joy of the wedding ceremony gave way to the daily grind of routine activity. Careers were chased, children were born, and ever-larger homes with new cars in the garage were purchased.
And, slowly, the romance faded. What used to be hours on the phone together became business meetings about practical matters, like finances or the kids’ grades.
Marriage is a unique gift from God. He takes two people – who are often complete opposites – and puts them together with the task of moving forward in unity.
But what happens when times get tough and circumstances change?
Well, couples who have a purpose, a direction, and a plan work through their struggles together and overcome their difficulties as a team.
Couples who don’t have a purpose, a direction, and a plan drift.
And what’s the solution for couples who begin to drift?
When you’re driving and approach an intersection, a traffic light communicates how to proceed:
A green light means move forward.
A yellow light means slow down and prepare to stop or move forward with caution.
A red light means stop immediately.
Author and marriage and family pastor, Scott Kedersha, advises dating couples to approach marriage the same way. Through the wisdom of friends, family, or a pastor or counselor, you can discern whether it’s safe to move forward, whether you ought to slow down and reconsider aspects of your relationship, or whether you ought to stop altogether instead of proceeding into an unhealthy marriage.
Have you ever gotten your car stuck, in mud, or like those of us in Colorado, snow? You rock your car back and forth to get traction, but your tires spin, and you get nowhere.
Husbands and wives can get stuck like that. In anger, so you’re always battling each other. Or busyness, so you never have the time or energy to connect. Or maybe like my guests on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, Justin and Trisha Davis, you’re stuck in the saddest rut of all: apathy – you’ve given up and stopped fighting for your marriage.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote the book on love. Literally. He’s the author of the best-selling classic The Five Love Languages. But even Dr. Chapman had to learn how to love his wife well. Early on in their marriage, he and his wife Karolyn struggled to navigate their differences. They had such a tough time that at one point they both wondered if they had married the wrong person.
My wife Jean and I experienced something similar.
The stress of daily life takes a toll on even the happiest couples – which is why marriage and family counselor Dr. Randy Schroeder says seeking marital happiness is unrealistic. A better approach is to pursue consistent marital satisfaction. How? Good habits.
Dr. Schroeder offers four “daily essentials” for creating good habits in your marriage:
“Goodbye, I love you.” Whoever leaves the house first should initiate this.
“Goodnight, I love you.” Whoever goes to bed first should initiate this.
It’s often easier to tell your spouse, “I love you,” than to show them through your actions.
I can tell you that’s true not only from personal experience but from the sheer number of questions we get here at Focus on the Family from married couples about navigating busy schedules, financial issues, and communication and conflict. Each question represents a small everyday moment that somehow turned into a disruption to the couple’s marital unity.
Authors Matt and Lisa Jacobson are with me on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly to encourage husbands and wives to serve and love each other well.
You and your spouse don’t always see eye to eye. One of you talks too much – or not enough. One of you feels hot while the other is shivering cold. And one of you is probably a saver while the other is a spender.
Those differences – especially the last one – can drive you apart. Petty disagreements about money can easily turn into full-grown battles that bleed a relationship dry.
Well-known author, radio host, and financial expert Dave Ramsey is my guest on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
I don’t know if there’s a secret to building a happy marriage, but there’s one idea that comes pretty close. The happiest couples know their spouse well and feel like their spouse knows them.
There’s a word for that. It’s called intimacy, and the only way to develop relational connection like that is good communication. That means more than talking about the weather. You have to open your hearts to one another and connect at a deeper level.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
