Daly Focus Blog
“In sickness and in health” is one of the most important vows a couple can make to one another. Even when we are at our weakest physically, our marriage can be at its strongest if we’ll lean on God and on each other.
Authors Dave and Ashley Willis experienced the beauty that can arise from a crisis after Dave’s father endured serious health challenges. The bonds of his parents’ marriage were tested like never before. Through it all, Dave’s mom acted with tenderness and grace.
Do you know your love style?
We’ve all got one. It started forming back in childhood when your mom and dad listened to you, encouraged you to share your feelings, and taught you how much you mattered.
Or maybe they didn’t.
For good or for bad, our earliest relational experiences form the roots for how – or if – we emotionally attach to others. Ideally, we had an abundance of positive moments that enabled us to become what authors and counselors Milan and Kay Yerkovich call “secure connectors.”
Jesus was the personification of the “secure connector” love style.
My marriage enjoyed a significant boost a few summers ago on a family vacation to Glacier National Park in Montana.
Jean, the boys, and I hiked to a place called Hidden Lake. It was spawning season for the trout, and the bears were especially active. From where we were several hundred yards away, we could see the bears splashing through the water hunting for fish.
I should say my boys and I could see them. Jean is nearsighted, and we didn’t have our binoculars with us, so she couldn’t see anything.
A lot of women enter marriage with high expectations. They expect connection, conversation, and intimacy with their husbands.
But when the intensity of that initial romance fades – as it always does – some wives begin to wonder, “Did I marry the wrong man?”
Dr. Juli Slattery’s answer to that question is: “The secret of intimacy in marriage is not finding a hero to be your husband but finding the hero in your husband.”
To achieve that, Dr.
Traditional marriage vows say, “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.”
When Jean and I got married, we assumed that life would mostly be “better, richer, and healthier.” While life with each other has been wonderful, we’ve encountered challenges along the way.
That should come as no surprise. Every marriage passes through some kind of relational storm: in-law issues, financial conflict, baggage from the past. The possibilities are endless.
Married couples are designed for intimacy. Yet, like Adam and Eve in the garden, they often hide from God and each other.
Some couples pretend their relationship is healthier than it is because it feels safer than risking exposure and shame. Hiding feels safer in the moment.
But long-term, it has the opposite effect. Instead of feeling more loved, we feel more lost. Instead of feeling more accepted, we feel more alone.
What’s a good way for couples to break out of isolation and connect with each other?
Lucille Williams was washing vomit out of her clothes when a thought occurred to her: “This is marriage.”
She was on the last night of her honeymoon cruise with her husband, Mike, and they were enjoying a final dinner with new friends they’d made that week. Suddenly, an unexpected bout of sea sickness hit Mike, and he began vomiting uncontrollably. Their dinner guests scrambled out of the way, but it was too late for Lucille, who ended up with Mike’s disgusting mess splashed all over her.
When you hear the term “controlling spouse,” you might picture the stereotypical angry husband who barks orders and intimidates his wife through verbal and physical abuse.
Although some men control like that, some control more subtly. They’re not malicious and may not even be aware how their behavior is affecting their family.
Either way, the result is the same: the spouse feels frustrated, powerless, and alone in marriage. Even in loving, Christian relationships, manipulation, anxiety, and fear can lead to unhealthy forms of control between a husband and wife.
The permanence of marriage is one of our foundational principles here at Focus on the Family. We believe that marriage is a sacred covenant designed by God that benefits not only husbands and wives, but society as a whole.
That’s biblical. Matthew 19:5-6 says, “A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh … what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
That said, we acknowledge that we live in a world that’s broken by sin, where the potential always exists for marriages to self-destruct because one or both spouses walk away from their commitment and aren’t willing to restore the relationship.
Do you remember when you and your spouse first fell in love?
Did your heart start fluttering? Did your hands get cold and clammy? Did simply thinking about that special person make you smile? It was a time in your relationship when everything felt new, fresh, and alive.
But then, it happened. At some point after the splendor of your wedding ceremony, life settled into a daily grind of activity. Careers were chased. Children were born.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
