Daly Focus Blog
My wife Jean and I have been married since 1986. One of the most important lessons about marriage I’ve learned in that time has been this: We’re different from one another, and that’s okay. But we’ve also learned that those differences have to be navigated carefully.
You and your spouse probably see the world through different eyes, too. You fall asleep to noise, but your spouse needs quiet. You’re a night owl, but your spouse enjoys mornings.
How big is your marriage’s “joy gap”?
Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, authors of the book The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, describe a “joy gap” as the length of time between moments of joy. If you apply that unit of measurement to your marriage, how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months?
Your joy gap can be especially lengthy if you’re waiting for your circumstances to change on their own, for your spouse to make you joyful, or for God to zap you with joy.
God has vision. He sees not just who people are, but what they can become.
People looked at David and saw a shepherd boy; God saw a king. Peter denied the Lord three times, but Jesus called him a “rock” and used him to build His church.
Effective parenting also requires vision. Every child struggles to find his or her identity. Engaged parents look beyond where their child is right now and catch a vision for who he or she can become.
Psychologist John Gottman says he can predict with 94% certainty whether a marriage will be successful.
Armed with over 20 years of research, Dr. Gottman observes a number of factors that predict the health and well-being of a marriage. He found:
Happy couples show affection toward one another.
They practice healthy conflict resolution.
They are respectful of each other’s needs and desires.
They show interest in what their spouse says – even when they share offhand comments about a sunset or a small moment from their day.
You can’t change your spouse. So what do you do if your marriage is in a desperate place?
Many couples believe there are just two choices:
Stay and be miserable for the rest of your life.
Get out while you can and hope to find happiness somewhere down the line.
Dr. Gary Chapman says there’s a third option: With God’s help and with godly counsel from others, positively influence your marriage by creating possibilities for your spouse to change his or her behavior.
Theresa had a stroke 18 years ago. She lost control over her hands. Which means for all these years she’s struggled to do simple things in life, like styling her own hair. That’s why when she goes to the beauty salon, she leaves with a smile. She feels beautiful.
The trouble is, as soon as she washes her hair it falls flat, and she can’t get it to look the way her stylist does. Which means, until her next hair appointment comes around, Theresa doesn’t smile as much.
October is Clergy Appreciation Month, and Sunday, October 13 is Clergy Appreciation Day. This celebration is an opportunity to honor the approximately 50,000 ministers, priests, rabbis, and chaplains across the United States.
Most members of the clergy aren’t well-known. They don’t speak to large audiences on TV or podcasts, or minister to huge congregations. The average pastor shepherds a church of fewer than 100 people – and most have to hold down a second job to pay the bills.
“Birds of a feather flock together.”
That saying means we feel most comfortable around people who look like us, talk like us, and think like us. Though natural, that tendency often costs us the opportunity to learn from and build relationships with people who hold different perspectives than we do.
Diversity is rooted in God’s character more than we often imagine. He creates human beings in His image, so every person is God’s image-bearer. Each person gives us a unique opportunity to know God more fully and to better appreciate what it means to be fully human.
I enjoyed watching my boys grow in their Christian faith. As they became older, it was up to them to develop their relationship with God and make it their own. But when they were young, it was Jean’s and my role as their parents to nurture their spirituality.
Parents are blessed to be influenced by youth leaders and Sunday school teachers, but, ultimately, teaching and modeling faith is up to Mom and Dad (as well as Grandma, Grandpa and other close family members).
My most vivid childhood memories are rooted in experiences, not words. I remember what happened far more than I remember what people said. I’m sure that’s true for most of us. You probably don’t remember being told to avoid hot stoves, but I’ll bet you remember the first time you touched one.
That’s why, when I was raising my boys, I knew experiences would impart wisdom and strengthen their character more effectively than lectures would. Plenty of situations on the playground and at school taught them to be kind and to stand for what’s right.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
